Fat cow at prom

It's a new year for me. Since I'm in currently in school, that constitutes as a new school year. I'm sort of depressed about it since as far as I know I've got hardly any classes with my friends, and the last thing I need in my last year of high school is to have classes with completely new people. Of course I don't make friends easily. Because of my weight or awkward social demeanor is not clear, maybe the one exists because of the other.

Well, anyway, the important thing is that I'm in for another long ride, full of tests, projects, all sorts of stress and of course the social side of things. We've got the rare dance, the semiformal and of course, the last torture before we all part out different ways - the formal/prom/grad/whatever name is bestowed on that beautiful night when everyone puts on their party frocks and looks their finest. It's usually a pretty big deal in girl circle, what with the dress shopping, make-up, hair-do's, all sort of things that being fat makes you dread.

It's not that I couldn't in any possible way attend these things. My weight, although astronomical by high school proportions, does not by any means amount to a size of whale proportions. But the problem is, I don't want to go to the prom looking good for a fat girl, I want to go looking fantastic for a skinny girl.

And let's get this straight - the prom, while no doubt a nice night - does not particularly get my excitement levels above a night staying in watching House. I adore dressing up but some banquet hall full of people I don't really care much about is not my idea of a must-go event.

My desire to lose weight probably stems from wanting to feel normal for once, not having to wear strategically purchased black to hide flaws or bumps or cellulite. Although I don't really ignite long stares and double glances outside on the street, I have encounted sly comments or gruel once-overs that would send a weaker person to the bathroom stall in tears. In turn, I venture home and feeling comfortable in the secure haven with my computer and tv, proceed to eat my way through various foods to feel in control.

Trust me, there are few things that are as damaging to hear as someone whose legs are the size of my arms say "Well, I really like to look good in a bikini" - glancing at your fat ass sheathed in fabric - "Although I guess it's not that important." Even offhand comments ("Tyra Banks is so fat!") have you tense up in preparation for an insult.

It's really the worse thing to go around feeling fat, because even if you accomplish something great (by a student's definition, at least) there's that little voice that goes "Well, you're still fat."

And I don't want to be known as the fat girl in university. Or the fat girl that lost weight. I don't know, even if you lose weight, having someone bring it up even as compliments ("Oh you look so good. Did you lose some weight?") makes me self-conscious because it's admitting that I didn't look good before. And really, I gain weight like crazy, so if this freshman 15 thing is true (and I'm sure it is) then I could easily pull it off (and more!) and break into the 200s.

And that's another thing. Being on the south side of 200s is, although still worrying, not as scary as going over that number. I fear that if I let it slide now then when I'm piling on the pounds, particularly in university where I'll be busy just trying to study, I'll be either too fat or lazy or out of shape to carry out an exercise and diet regime.