again

I keep fluctuating between 240 and 235 for several months, so I'm about to start working out again because my body can't take much more of this.

Weight: 235 lb or 106.8 kg
Arm (left): 16 in.
Arm (right): 15.9 in.
Waist: 37
Neck: 15.3 in.
Belly button: 49.5 in.
Under bust: 41.5 in.
Shoulders:
Hips: 50 in.
Thigh (left): 31.2 in.
Thigh (right): 31.5 in.
Knee (left) 18.8 in.
Knee (right): 18.2 in.
Ankle (left): 10 in.
Ankle (right): 10 in.

Terrified

God, I feel like there's only so much time that I can spend not doing anything about weight loss before I officially because a legitimate, wheezing up a set of stairs lardass. I'm at 103 or so kg, which is about 225 pounds. I've just gotten bigger and uncoordinated. And I might be failing out of university, I have to go see someone about that tomorrow. I just feel so helpless right now, like I can't control myself. How is it that I'm only 19 and I'm already in such an emotional and physical rut? Why can't I be carefree and enjoying friends, relationships, parties like all the other normal teenagers? I can't believe I'm wasting my youth being fat and anti-social. God, sometimes I hate myself so much.

And if I do fail out - I mean, what else is there after that? How did everything go so wrong?

Oh hi there!

So it's been several long, long months.  I've done some cool things, been to amazing places.  And wouldn't it be nice for me to come back to this blog, read over the entries full of fear into turning into a fatassed monster and then wipe my forehead and go "phew!" and then create a post for my imaginary audience informing them of my amazing slimdown and how I'm currently the fittest I could ever dream of being or the size of Tinkerbell?

Well, I'm sure I could have posted that if I had any sort of self-control over myself.  Instead I have been labouring each day under the lie of "I'll start my strict exercise and diet regime tomorrow so today is the last binge EVER".   Now times that by about 3 times per week and you've got the source of the 10 kg that I've managed to accumulate in almost a year.  

I look back at that first September entry and I'm shocked by how tiny that number is (86) compared to the collosal beast I've become.  I had a real chance of losing weight in a safe and slow manner and to look good for prom.  Instead I was like a beached whale with arms so huge I can't even bare to look at the pictures for fear of sinking into permanent depression.

I'm just so sad because there's so much more to me than this lumbering beast that I am on the outside.  And the weight is holding me back soo much, because I hardly ever feel comfortable in my clothes because they always feel wrong and like a fat person's.  And now I'm basically dreading university even though this should be the most exciting time of my life.

And of course my extremist mind (instant gratification and all that) was convincing me that a nice mixture of anorexia and bulimia was the way to go in university.  Of course I could never pass of bulimia since the bathrooms are public and I doubt that "drunkeness" could be used as an excuse at like 4 pm.

You know, when I'm reading a book, and it concerns some cool girl, there's always a passage about how that girl eats so little, it would be barely enough for a little bird to survive on.  But the girl is always tall and lean, and gorgeous.  Or there was some story about Angelina Jolie and how her main meal is a glass of wine (not hard to believe looking at her pictures).  And I just desparately want to be that girl that nibbles on a morcel of cheese with her glass of wine and who perpetually looks cool and never dishevelled or sweaty or with crusty makeup.

I know I'm a really bright girl and I would hate for my life experiences to be hindered by this sack of fat I'm lugging around with me.  Plus, my god, there is truly nothing as crushing as having a conversation with someone and then without any warning, they give you a once-over, focussing on your bulging belly or disgusting arms or thick thighs.  And you have to go on with the conversation even though you're so hurt because you don't want to give them an indication that you're aware of their disgust or sickened awe at how someone could get so fat.

Weigh in

It's been a shitty week. I had three rolls of sushi (delicious, delicious sushi) and two scoops of Baskin Robins ice cream. In the same day. Honestly, kinda really bad. Then I had a lot of chocolate yesterday (like 3 chocolate bars) and today (3 also). So I am feeling bad about this terrible diet. It's because I'm staying home and basically have nothing to do but eat things. Anyway, the stats this week...

Weight: 86.5 kg or 190.3 lb
Arm (left): 35 cm or 14 in.
Arm (right): 36 cm or 14.4 in.
Waist: 84 cm or 33.6 in.
Neck: 35 cm or 14 in.
Belly button: 105 cm or 42 in.
Under bust: 91 cm or 36.4 in.
Shoulders: 103 cm or 41.2 in.
Hips: 118 cm or 47.2 in.
Thigh (left): 73 cm or 29.2 in.
Thigh (right): 71 cm or 28.4 in.
Knee (left) 40 cm or 16 in.
Knee (right): 40.5 cm or 16.2 in.
Ankle (left): 24 cm or 9.6 in.
Ankle (right): 25 cm or 10 in.

Weighing In

Overall, I was kind of disappointed with the results this week. I thought I worked really hard and not seeing a significant change in my weight is a bit of a letdown. But the important thing is that I'm not quitting just because I didn't lose 4 pounds like I hoped. Mental progress, at least.

Weight: 87 kg or 191.4 lb
Arm (right): 35 cm or 14 in.
Arm (left): 37 cm or 14.8 in.
Neck circum.: 35 cm or 14 in.
Waist: 83 cm or 33.2 in.
Circum. around belly button: 109 cm or 43.2 in.
Under bust: 91 cm or 36.4 in.
Under armpits: 93 cm or 37.2 in.
Shoulders: 104 cm or 41.6 in.
Hips: 115 cm or 46 in.
Thigh (left): 75 cm or 30 in.
Thigh (right): 74 cm or 29.6 in.
Knee (left): 41 cm or 16.4 in.
Knee (right): 40.5 cm or 16.2 in.
Ankle (left): 25 cm or 10 in.
Knee (right): 24.5 cm or 9.8 in.

Eating

So I slaved at the gym for about 2 hours. By calf muscles burned again when I tried running! Which is kind of getting old. Then I went to No Frills to look at foods to see what I can eat and I was actually not tempted by all the ice cream and cookies and whatnot because burning off those 300 calories on the elliptical machine really wasn't worth those four cookies that come to a total of 300 calories.

Then I came home. I cooked two piece of meat and made a salad, and WHILE I was eating the freaking salad, I was thinking about having some Nesquik with milk. I mean how deluded is that?

Weighing in

So before I embark on this (hopefully successful) experiment, I thought it would be good to start with some measurements to keep track of my (hopefully eventual) progress.

WEIGHT: 88 kg or 193.6 lb

MEASUREMENTS
Upper arm (right): 35 cm/14 in.
Upper arm (left): 38 cm/15.2 in.
Neck circumference: 36 cm/14.4 in.
Waist: 82 cm/32.8 in.
Circum. around belly button: 109 cm/43.6 in.
Under bust: 89 cm/35.6 in.
Under armpits: 94 cm/37.6 in.
Shoulders: 103 cm/41.2 in.
Hips: 115 cm/46 in.
Thigh (left): 75 cm/30 in.
Thigh (right): 75 cm/30 in.
Knee (left): 41 cm/16.4 in.
knee (right): 42 cm/16.8 in.
Ankle (left): 26 cm/10.4 in.
Ankle (right): 25 cm/10 in.

There you have it. Hopefully next week, it'll be a little less painful to look at this.